A mixture of every feeling

Today I woke up with a big mixture of emotions.  Sometimes I wonder how much should I really share on this public blog but somehow having the prayers of my close friends and a few strangers that read. Typing it all out makes me feel better and I heard  from a friend we have a deciding birth mom following our blog..."Hi, birthmom!!!"

So what brings me to all this mixture of feelings.....

  ADOPTION-This has been a constant emotion for me. It's like a roller coaster. Everyone is starting to ask and I have no answers!  Where is our new child? I feel ok about the wait on most days because I am settling into my new job as a 2nd grade teacher and I LOVE IT!  But  other days I wish I had a crystal ball so I could prepare and know what our family was in store for and I'm a mess.  Everyone seems to have an opinion about it as well. I've had... maybe it's just not the right time for you right now  to why don't you just get a new dog. I couldn't believe that one!  Normally I don't care what people think or say but for some reason this bothers me. It's kinda like when I was 6 months pregnant and someone would say-WOW you must be due any day! I  actually had one lady say to me-you have four healthy children why are you doing this?   I do wish I could explain it even to myself. I remember other friends of mine that adopted talk about this feeling that they couldn't deny. I never had that feeling until all the sudden I had that feeling! I've heard it explained that the Lord lays adoption on your heart and you can't deny it. Well that's exactly what happened to us.  And Steve had that feeling long before I. I guess I didn't realize all my friends around me(Sandy, Heather, Lila, Bivens fam., Greens, Rosiers, Sandstrums, Crocketts, Stavens, photography customers, and more) that were adopting were placed there for a reason. At the time I just thought it was neat. Little did I know each time we welcomed someone at the airport-my heart was softening up for just the right time!  It's so hard to explain how you can feel so much love and the willingness to do anything to find this child that you know belongs to you and it's a child that you don't even know.

One day I will be thinking for sure we will get a baby and the next day I think the child will be 5 then the I think the child will be more like 10!  I'm like a vulture at school with children in my class that have been in custody before...wondering if that will be our child some day. Every single young mother I hear of being pregnant I think...oh maybe this is it.  I find myself constantly wondering why the urgency to complete our home study. Why where we so lead and driven to go through all of that during student teaching if the Lord isn't preparing something for our family?    We officially have been home study ready for a month although it feels much longer because we began the process in Aug. it just took us awhile to complete our home study  with me student teaching.    Last weekend we fasted and prayed again about African adoption. The answer was still no. While those orphans are close to my heart in Africa we still feel like domestic adoption is  the path we should be taking. Maybe while we wait we can start saving for Africa just in case but for now we are on the right path for us.

So here's how the process works while we wait.
1.  We search ourselves for a birth mother of an infant-a dream come true!!!
2.  We check the website daily Adoptuskids.org daily for updates of children adoptable in the US.
3.  If a new child pops up in the US we inquire on that child along with hundreds of other people in the US that are home study ready. They take the first 15 families that make a good match. Then they process through the families reading over their home studies and if they find one then the adoptive family gets the call. It takes them forever to read over the home studies too. It is very frustrating.  Our social worker also searches for a matches for us. So far I've inquired on 15 children  or sib. groups. in a month and heard back from 1. After I read his profile it was no way a match for us. It's very frustrating because while you are so glad that so many families in the US are adopting (I had no idea) if you don't listen close to the Spirit you miss a possible match. For example, a little sibling group listed last week from St. Louis-they were gone by night. I felt prompted all day to look and I put the prompting aside while I was busy doing something else!  15,000 children found their forever families this way last year-it just takes forever to hear any info. It's hard to be praying about every single child and then the workers over them not pick you for whatever reason.
4. We also can be matched with families that have adopted foreign that disrupt for some reason that the child doesn't attach to them or it's not a fit for the family and that might attach to us. This is usually word of mouth.
5.  Last-we could foster and search for a young child or infant.  I am not sure right now if we are up to this at this time. We will have to pray about this one for awhile. I think we would be so sad if we had a little one and then they had to go back  home after we attach but the main goal is to reunite families.

Other emotions that come with all of this....Can we really parent a child that is older 5 or 10  and that has suffered such pain and loss and most of the time abuse?  I fear for my other children.  Their lives of lessons, homework, sports practices and love have been so simple. I have heard so many people say how hard it is and many of them disrupt even before the final adoption occurs. I have immersed myself in research and many books on attachment but still I am sure I have NO idea. I think it might be like reading the pregnancy books with your first pregnancy and then nothing turns out that way after the child arrives!

Until we know more I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing...practices, laundry, 2nd grade, callings and life and pray we are leading our family down the right path the Lord has prepared for us!

Check this amazing team out!

A fast start and straight to victory this team has worked so super hard for some amazing rewards.  So thankful my boys are a part of a good thing that teaches hard work and dedication!

http://www.dnj.com/article/20110126/SPORTS08/101260327/1006/SPORTS/Eagleville+wrestlers+suddenly+in+state


WAY TO GO BLAKE AND ANDREW!

LOVE IT!!!

I absolutely LOVE teaching 2nd grade. Every time I see their eyes light up when I teach them something new it gives me the most complete joy!  I get it why both my parents have given 30 years of their lives dedicated to teaching. It is the most rewarding job.  AND it sure is nice that we've had a snow day or two every week since I've started!!!

Blake and Andrew are wrestling team regional tonight. I didn't get to go because the girls have dance.  But our house as well as our whole wrestling team has had some excitement preparing for this big night. It was exciting to hear that our little team took first place in the region. The team will be going to state next weekend! YAY!  Go EAGLES!!!

A great cause!

I have always thought it was a little strange to read the blogs of people that I do not know but I am one of those people that read a couple of blogs of families that I do not know. I have three that I love and read whenever I get a break to sit down and blog.  Two are families that have adopted large families and the last one has really inspired me to really stop and look at the most important things of life. I started reading this blog awhile ago when I was really into photography. She is an amazing photographer and inspired me with her realistic, natural talent. Although she is still an amazing photographer her blog took a huge turn when she delivered her 2nd daughter. She was born with down syndrome. She has opened the eyes of so many. Her story is beautiful. Her little angel is turning one and she is  raising funds for down syndrome.  I normally don't post things like this but I really believe it's a beautiful cause so I wanted to post her request.

Lots of celebrating going on around here!

Blake celebrated his 16th birthday with a couple of friends going to the bowling alley and coming back over to hang out for a little while. We had fun. I can't believe I have a 16 year old!

 

Graduation day! The long awaited day that I thought would never come! I was overcome with emotion. I had no idea it would be such an emotional day for me and I would be crying as I marched into the gym that day!  All the thoughts of staying up late working on assignments, working part time, juggling my calling and kids-it felt so good to be finished. When I looked up at steve and realized how far we've come-it was one of those so sweet moments. I was so blessed by my sweet family even my uncle that celebrated with me, friends that texted and Mckenzie  for adding the special touches to my day. She always amazes me how she sneaks in and never misses an event! 

 

The girls and I spent most of the holiday decorating my new classroom. It feels so nice to finally have my own spot and working with my own kiddos. I love it. It's fun to see what works and what does not. It's even more rewarding than I ever thought because I get paid to do what I love plus I have no homework or scheduling pictures to make extra money!!! I LOVE IT!!!

The girls have been such a good help and I was so blessed by so many friends that came and helped me decorate and organize!  We finally got finished right before school started!!!

Leah Beth and Caroline had their first Christmas recital at their new dance studio. It was fun to celebrate with them and watch them perform all of their practice!!

While the girls and I worked on the classroom over the holidays this boy the BLAKESTER spent his time in the gym working out, eating healthy and pushing himself super hard.  As the season picked back up his hard work is giving him lots of rewards.  He worked his way up the ladder to the big gold medal at the Dawg pound tournament this past Sat. His friend Joseph will be graduating this year but together they have pulled many nights of double practicing and eating a subway in between!

Andrew was voted by the freshman class to be homecoming escort. This past Friday night we all watched him do this "thang" in a tux. He is quite the cutie and it was fun to celebrate homecoming with him. Note***his cast is black so it wouldn't show up too much!!!

The Hale family picked back up the cabin tradition at a new cabin location this year. Last year right before we were scheduled to go Dad had to go back in the hospital.  Although in many ways the cabins were  bitter sweet for me , it was still  a fun event and Dad would not want us to quit this fun occasion. Mom let us all divide his coin collection and knife collection. It was a great way to remember him and to remember why we want to work so hard to be together again. I loved being at the cabins with all my little "big" kids. We had lots of game playing, facials, present opening, laughing, playing with local kitty cats, and coloring stuff for my classroom!    It is so fun to sit back and just watch some times and take it all in. Next year William will be gone on his mission so it might be awhile before we are together again at the cabins.

Our homestudy was complete that last week of December. It has been such a long process to get all the requirements met for the agency and the state and attending all the classes etc.  Now finally we wait. There is no timeline to know of. We inquire on children-we work through the social worker assigned to us through our agency and our social worker works with a state social worker. It feels a little frustrating because it is so hard to get answers with so many people involved and the state workers have such huge case loads. Since we officially just began the wait Dec. 28 we will wait and search. Many people have ask why we didn't go through the church. We would LOVE a newborn-that would be great but we wanted to be open to an older child as well as a newborn. So even though it's hard to be patient we have been happily engaged in the busy lives of all our family and starting my new job and calling. So I know it will be in the Lord's time for a new little family member to join the Solomon's! Wish I had a crystal ball so I could tell Andrew when it would be!!!

Last day on campus!

Although these last few days have been survival mode  well last few weeks-I desperately wanted to take a moment and record some feeling from today.   Today was our last student teaching seminar. As I drove back up to campus a flood of emotions ran through my mind as I thought back to my first day back on campus in 2008. I was so scared and out of my comfort zone. I couldn't remember where any building was and everything had changed and had to been done online. I was overwhelmed, scared, and very unsure. I was sure I was going to get attacked!!!  Although I had worked in my home with photography and with people I felt like I had not studied...really studied to retain information in a long time. I studied like crazy to try to regain old study habits. It was weird it was like a part of my brain had gone to sleep. I vividly remember calling my Dad that first day of school and telling him how much work this was going to be and what a sacrifice for my family this was and how scared I was. He said to come visit him that weekend and my mom would help me with my homework!!! Ha and she did!  Last semester was by far the hardest of all taking all those practicums and losing him at the same time. I miss him this week. And although I know he's with me I wish he was physically. He pushed me so much to go back to school and knew it was something I wanted to do.  I look back at all the blessing I received during all of this time and how the Lord placed people in my life just at the right time from old friends to new college friends and certain teachers. My supervisor while I was student teaching was such a gift and helped me so much.  I couldn't have made it through any of this without them or without HIM.
So today after the crazy amount of emotions a few of my little college peeps came over to decorate our caps. It was so nice to take an hour and celebrate teaching!!!! YEAH!!!

Happy days

Lots of updates again. I can't keep up with it!

Andrew broke his arm during a wrestling match! Ouch-there seems to be a little problem we find out Fri. if he needs surgery-hopefully not. Looks like wrestling is over for him. He is so loyal though supporting the team at every single match!

Blake blessed the sacrament for the first time today. He was ordained a priest last Sunday. It was a precious moment for me!

I graduate in 6 days! YEP 6 days. Never actually thought this day would ever come!

I got a job! I survived interviews. I thought I would have a nervous breakdown...literally. I will be teaching 2nd grade!  The current teacher is moving to get married. It just happened to be in the school I was student teaching in so I feel ever so blessed! I am busy getting ready and finishing up my last week of student teaching. It feels so weird to me that all of this fell into place while we are pursuing adoption but all I can say is I have prayed and prayed and somehow it must go together or it's the right thing to do. So with that said, I look forward to the new door that is opening in front of me and the sweet little 2nd graders!

Our homestudy has been written but  we are having trouble getting back information from Idaho when we lived there YEARS ago.  We were not registered with the state because we were college students but somehow something still has to come back and prove that we didn't commit crime there. That is holding us up a little but hopefully by the end of the week. If all goes as planned it should be ready by Friday/Saturday or next week!

I got a new calling at church so that means I got released from my stake calling. Before I served in stake primary I served in ward  primary for years so to now be put in YW seems really different. I will be praying a lot for inspiration.   I am happy to be with Leah Beth and excited to be with the girls and have some really neat people serving with me.

Having an extra driver in the house has really taken a load off of me and I guess the Lord doesn't believe in any down time except tomorrow he has given us a SNOW day!  YIPEE....my first time ever that we all get off the same time-no classes tomorrow, no photo appointments just me and them sleeping late and hanging out!!!!!

Happy 16th Birthday Blake!!!

Today was a big day for the Solomon family. Steve and I have officially been parents for 16 wonderful years!  Blake is celebrating the big 16 today! The most exciting part for him is the passing of  his driver's test and driving himself to school alone for the first time.   He had an inschool wrestling match which was another fun and exciting part. It was fun for him to pin his guy in front of the entire school! Blake is an amazing person. Each day I am in awe at his choices and the way he lives his life. He pushes himself above and beyond. I love the example he is to our other children and to me.  I wish I could make the grades he makes and work out half as much as he does!!!  He shines with goodness. I am honored to be his mother and blessed to be trusted with one of Heavenly Father's valiant sons to raise.

Thanksgiving Poem by Andrew Solomon

Andrew had to write a Thanksgiving poem...I saw it laying on the couch and loved it so much I thought I better add it to my blog so it will print in my book at the end of the year!

Thanksgiving Poem

For my family

Caring, patient, kind

forever, abundantly, since the beginning

For this I am thankful

For my country

United, strong, helping

Everyday, constantly, changing

For all this, I am thankful

For my friends

Awesome, there for me, helpful

Past, present, future

For this I am thankful

For my church

Advising, amazing, Godly

Sundays, Wednesdays, every day

For this I am thankful

Last homestudy visit

I have hundreds of pictures that I am behind on loading but the real question I am getting often is how is the adoption process going.
We had our last home study visit from our social worker tonight. Now we wait for a placement. We have been telling people for sometime that we are planning to adopt but now we want to shout it from the mountains. We are searching for the child that is meant to be in our family either a newborn or a child that is already on the earth we are in search!

Football is over. Basketball, dance, and wrestling are in full force.

Graduation is in less than a month. At times I can not believe I am actually going to graduate. I am so excited. I am applying for jobs and hoping to be going in for interviews. Since I owned my own business I don't think I've had a job interview in 18 years or so. NERVOUS! There are 2 jobs available in my degree  and about 500 people trying to get them. Need I say needle in a haystack! I may have to sub.

I got released from my stake calling after a VERY long time on Sunday.  I am excited to become part of our ward again. I look forward to serving in a new area but I will miss the primary leaders I have worked with for years.

My son is about to be 16....whoa I know....watch out world. I don't know if he's more excited or me!  The idea of my life having 2 more free hours a day that I spend in the car daily makes me so excited.

Many changes...little time to write it all....but I am so grateful for this place we are in right now and although we are so excited about all the things that are happening or about to take place our adoption fills our hearts and prayers the most. (unless wrestle offs are coming up then according to Andrew those take over!!!) I am so excited and can't wait to see what the Lord unfolds for our family. Sometimes I just day dream and wonder how we really got to this point but I am so very thankful we are here!!!

fallish time!

My girl is 12!!!

Yep! She's 12! I'm behind on my post but on Sept. 17 this beautiful girl turned the big 12!

Her favorite things:

Food: Mac. and cheese

Subject: Social Studies

Activity: Hanging out with friends and doing fingernails

Things to wear: Basketball shorts and  t-shirts

Things she doesn't like to do: Go to the doctor

Singer: Carrie Underwood

Show: Cake Boss

Family favorite thing: watching movies

She's in 6th grade! She takes ballet, tap and jazz. She got a green phone for the big 12! She is crafty-with a wild imagination. She is about to hit her second year in braces so one more year to go. She is a great big sister to Caroline and looks forward to adding someone else to our family.

Only 6 full days left

6 days...6 days...only 6 days left in my first student teaching placement with my first graders. I am so attached to these little people. They have become such a part of my world. Even though I thought I knew I  really had no idea. Really I don't think you could know unless you experience how much being in their lives every single day really has a huge effect on my own life as well. I knew teachers were invested and def. did more than teach but I had no idea I'd go to sleep thinking about them, wake up thinking about them, and think about them all times in between. I will miss them so much when I take on the next placement of 3rd grade but I look forward to learning all about some new little people!   My life has been so blessed already and I'm not even getting paid yet for this job. Can't wait till I get blessed with a little money while I am doing what I love! 

caroline

Sweet Caroline got to go on a trip to visit the grounds of the temple. She and her Daddy had a beautiful day as she learned about the sweetness and special spirit that surrounds the temple.

updates-cousin-life

Adoption updates:
We have two more weeks of PATH classes.  My heart truly breaks for these children in the situations they are in. I think about it all the time. The classes have made me a better mom. Even though they are long and I've had to depend on the whole country to help with our four kids-getting them home from practice, home from work, to dance, home from dance-I've still learned so much through these couple of months.
We had to postpone our next homestudy visit  with our social worker due to me not getting all the paper work done and Steve's work schedule. It has been a lot trying to do homestudy paperwork  along with student teaching homework.  Last night at PATH they had a panel of people that have been through our journey or workers that can answer questions and give information. I left a little more frustrated  than when I came. No one seems to be an advocate for just people who want to adopt.  Everyone acts like it is so impossible. It's frustrating because we feel so lead in this direction. This has been such a trial of faith for me-just going on faith alone when everyone says it's not a good idea to go through the foster system to adopt.  I have had so many people ask me...why are we doing this?  I have gotten so many looks when the topic of adoption comes up...statements of don't you have four children already or why in the world would you put yourself through all this!   I guess it does sound kind of crazy and  it sounds even crazier that I am trying to finish my degree-student teach and complete all this but then  I am reminded so many times over and over that this it's not our timing it's the Lord. We are driven with a force that is stronger than any that I have ever experienced.  And although we don't have a face that we are praying for it is so humbling to hear my children pray for a child that is being prepared for our family and us for that child.

Family updates: cousin Rachel

We are in a new season of our life...(wouldn't it be funny if we ended up adopting a baby while we are full force into this new season of teenagers! )  My SIL and I use to sit around and talk about when we have teenagers. It is so much fun having teenagers raising them with family close. My brother has 3 children that are very very close in age to my boys. Well actually his daughter that is 12 is the same age of Leah Beth as well!  This past weekend they hung out together-one of them drove them around-two of them slept over at Nana's and two of them (rachel and andrew) came to our house. They are all good buds and I love how they are such good friends and help each other out. I love even more that they are good teenagers!

New family room

We recently changed my photography studio into our family room. Since I am student teaching and not using an indoor studio at all we decided we could really use this space for some family space!  We are loving it so much. A little extra room to dance, wrestle, watch TV, play computer and just hang out together.  I wasn't even sad at all to take down the backdrops. There really is a time and a season for all things!!!

Birthdays-football-new tombstone and such

Yep...steve finally hit it the big 4-0!  We celebrated with a few pranks and a tailgate party right before Blake's football game.

Our Caroline with her ice cream b-day cake Wednesday night the big 9

Finally my Dad's tombstone came in and just in time for decoration day. We got to go up the next day and get a good look. I love it.  Perfect for him. Unique and simple. And it came in just in time for his birthday!

My sweet Leah Beth just because!

Some much needed family time and a little celebration for the girls for their birthdays since we aren't having parties this year just the six of us celebrated together. It was so fun! Mini golf, ch. cheese and waffle house all in one day!

Blake is playing his first year of high school football as a sophomore. He has always liked to try lots of things but his love of love has always been wrestling. As his mom I've come to love wrestling (with a few exceptions) just as much because I have noticed all the benefits that come with the hard work and endurance that is being learned as he is learning to become a great wrestler so when he decided to add football to one of his in between sports I was a little well...not excited. I love football and the fun that it is on Friday night. The smell, the jeans and the feeling but I am so used to wrestling I didn't know how I would feel about another contact sport. His  in between sports have been cross country, track and soccer and I've not had to worry about the things I've worried about in wrestling and football.

Well let me tell you...I was one of those...(along with my husband) acting like a insane person as my sophomore was put into the game. First he turned around and gave his Dad a suspicious look (like Dad get ready I'm going in) that I can't tell you what it did to my heart. It kinda leap to know he was getting to go in the game.  Although no words were exchanged between the two of them it was the look. Steve told me to get ready. I grabbed my camera and darted over as fast as I could (yes running in front of all the bleachers carrying my camera) Only to get to a great spot and forgot my battery. So I had to run back!  I was screaming Go Blake Go Blake Go....in my biggest Van Buren Co. High cheerleading voice. All my past cheering came back to me real fast!  Good thing I didn't try turning a cartwheel!  Steve and I acted like idiots along with Andrew and his friends as we watched Blake play and play. It was so fun. So yes I am adding football to my love with wrestling. It was worth all the driving to practice just to see my boy do his thing!  My heart was racing every time the whistle would blow. Crazy yes...exciting yes...fun oh yes!

One of our steps for our home study is locking up all our meds. I didn't know how I was going to do this without buying a cabinet or something till someone suggested a toolbox with a lock. So $15 bucks later we are done!

Nana got Caroline this great book for her birthday but the more I read it I realize it is for me too! The name of it is "Forever and Always"

It's about death. It is precious.  Get your tissues out when you read it.  

I couldn't sleep last night! I can always sleep! Pretty much any time any where! Student teaching thoughts/adoption thoughts/ mothering thoughts/ wife thoughts/ and then Dad. I've missed him so much this week. Not just a little  I really missed him. I found myself wishing I could just talk to him a little bit and he would answer back. I am sure it was because it was his birthday.  It was this picture again that kept me awake! I know it's just a picture but for me it is the reason I love pictures so much. Because now pictures are what we have to remember. I understand fully that I can't take pictures with me when I die but for now until we are all together again it reminds me of how much I have and how blessed I am.  We took this picture a couple of weeks after Dad made it to the heart transplant list. I suggested that we do a dressy picture since all of our pictures are casual and it had been so long since all of us including adults had been in a picture with the kids and Nana and Papa.  I am so glad that we took a few minutes set up the tripod and enjoyed the beautiful weather and Adrian's land. It is a good memory of laughter and fun even though he was already really sick.

In so many ways I am reminded I am blessed. So in my weakest moments when I feel so inadequate I am reminded of eternity as I look at all these faces that I love so dearly. 

First Home study visit

Tonight was our first home study visit. I thought she would be here about an hour for the first visit but three hours later I was wondering how long these visits take! We talked a lot, filled out lots of paperwork and wrote her a big check-and well......here we go.  I thought she would check the house more. She said she would again next visit. I guess she was checking but not checking like I thought she would.

She was very honest and told us it is really really hard to adopt from foster care. She has told us that before but she wanted to go in detail with us. She said when you adopt foreign you have a bit of a time line but the route we are going there is no timeline whatsoever. She said it could get very frustrating and she wanted to warn us of this. It could be immediately or a year. So I did feel a little scared of the unknown. I pray that following our hearts is the right thing as we pursue this type of adoption instead of foreign adoption. I've gone through at least 100 thoughts in my mind all jumbled up-like:should we foster first the odds of an adoption  placement are way higher if you foster first, or maybe we should go foreign, or what in the world are we doing!  And then I feel that wonderful peace that I felt so many times as I have prayed my whole soul out about this decision and the feeling of we are in the right place doing just what we are suppose to do at this time. It's easy to say to turn it over to the Lord but it's so hard to do!