A mixture of every feeling

Today I woke up with a big mixture of emotions.  Sometimes I wonder how much should I really share on this public blog but somehow having the prayers of my close friends and a few strangers that read. Typing it all out makes me feel better and I heard  from a friend we have a deciding birth mom following our blog..."Hi, birthmom!!!"

So what brings me to all this mixture of feelings.....

  ADOPTION-This has been a constant emotion for me. It's like a roller coaster. Everyone is starting to ask and I have no answers!  Where is our new child? I feel ok about the wait on most days because I am settling into my new job as a 2nd grade teacher and I LOVE IT!  But  other days I wish I had a crystal ball so I could prepare and know what our family was in store for and I'm a mess.  Everyone seems to have an opinion about it as well. I've had... maybe it's just not the right time for you right now  to why don't you just get a new dog. I couldn't believe that one!  Normally I don't care what people think or say but for some reason this bothers me. It's kinda like when I was 6 months pregnant and someone would say-WOW you must be due any day! I  actually had one lady say to me-you have four healthy children why are you doing this?   I do wish I could explain it even to myself. I remember other friends of mine that adopted talk about this feeling that they couldn't deny. I never had that feeling until all the sudden I had that feeling! I've heard it explained that the Lord lays adoption on your heart and you can't deny it. Well that's exactly what happened to us.  And Steve had that feeling long before I. I guess I didn't realize all my friends around me(Sandy, Heather, Lila, Bivens fam., Greens, Rosiers, Sandstrums, Crocketts, Stavens, photography customers, and more) that were adopting were placed there for a reason. At the time I just thought it was neat. Little did I know each time we welcomed someone at the airport-my heart was softening up for just the right time!  It's so hard to explain how you can feel so much love and the willingness to do anything to find this child that you know belongs to you and it's a child that you don't even know.

One day I will be thinking for sure we will get a baby and the next day I think the child will be 5 then the I think the child will be more like 10!  I'm like a vulture at school with children in my class that have been in custody before...wondering if that will be our child some day. Every single young mother I hear of being pregnant I think...oh maybe this is it.  I find myself constantly wondering why the urgency to complete our home study. Why where we so lead and driven to go through all of that during student teaching if the Lord isn't preparing something for our family?    We officially have been home study ready for a month although it feels much longer because we began the process in Aug. it just took us awhile to complete our home study  with me student teaching.    Last weekend we fasted and prayed again about African adoption. The answer was still no. While those orphans are close to my heart in Africa we still feel like domestic adoption is  the path we should be taking. Maybe while we wait we can start saving for Africa just in case but for now we are on the right path for us.

So here's how the process works while we wait.
1.  We search ourselves for a birth mother of an infant-a dream come true!!!
2.  We check the website daily Adoptuskids.org daily for updates of children adoptable in the US.
3.  If a new child pops up in the US we inquire on that child along with hundreds of other people in the US that are home study ready. They take the first 15 families that make a good match. Then they process through the families reading over their home studies and if they find one then the adoptive family gets the call. It takes them forever to read over the home studies too. It is very frustrating.  Our social worker also searches for a matches for us. So far I've inquired on 15 children  or sib. groups. in a month and heard back from 1. After I read his profile it was no way a match for us. It's very frustrating because while you are so glad that so many families in the US are adopting (I had no idea) if you don't listen close to the Spirit you miss a possible match. For example, a little sibling group listed last week from St. Louis-they were gone by night. I felt prompted all day to look and I put the prompting aside while I was busy doing something else!  15,000 children found their forever families this way last year-it just takes forever to hear any info. It's hard to be praying about every single child and then the workers over them not pick you for whatever reason.
4. We also can be matched with families that have adopted foreign that disrupt for some reason that the child doesn't attach to them or it's not a fit for the family and that might attach to us. This is usually word of mouth.
5.  Last-we could foster and search for a young child or infant.  I am not sure right now if we are up to this at this time. We will have to pray about this one for awhile. I think we would be so sad if we had a little one and then they had to go back  home after we attach but the main goal is to reunite families.

Other emotions that come with all of this....Can we really parent a child that is older 5 or 10  and that has suffered such pain and loss and most of the time abuse?  I fear for my other children.  Their lives of lessons, homework, sports practices and love have been so simple. I have heard so many people say how hard it is and many of them disrupt even before the final adoption occurs. I have immersed myself in research and many books on attachment but still I am sure I have NO idea. I think it might be like reading the pregnancy books with your first pregnancy and then nothing turns out that way after the child arrives!

Until we know more I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing...practices, laundry, 2nd grade, callings and life and pray we are leading our family down the right path the Lord has prepared for us!