adoption and such

So....right after Brent and Colin left our home another case with another agency that had our information contacted us.  A birth mom in Arizona had picked our family to adopt her seven year old son.  I thought it was meant to be Steve not so much.  I prayed and prayed and even though I wasn't getting clear answers I was sure that I was just scared so it was ok to move forward. Steve was not getting the same feelings.  We talked to the mom in Arizona and she was the sweetest lady. She had been through a lot and desperately wanted to find a good home with siblings to adopt her son.

It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I had decided to fast with prayer.  The agency wanted us to book a flight to come out and meet the little Arizona guy. We went to watch the boys wrestle and while I was there I ran across a friend that has adopted three of her children.  She is so experienced in adoption.  She was answering my prayers as we talked but she did not know it! The things she said pricked my heart.  I was beginning to See he wasn't really our son but I just wanted it!     I woke up at 3 AM in the night sick, sick, sick.  I got up and reread the little Arizona guy's profile over again.  I had read it 20 thousand times (***note***when we got Brent and Colin I only read their profile once)  It was as if words jumped off the profile that I had not seen before.  I was so sad. I wanted this to be it.  Finally, the chase for the unknown child we had so desperately prepared for and prepared for to be over!!!!  There were things in the profile that I knew our children would not mesh with. There were many things that I knew would be hard for me and things I had stated in the beginning that I didn't think I could handle if I were choosing.  SO....I felt like this was an answer to my prayers.  Steve agreed and we called it off. Yes, it was hard for me to call off something I wanted but I had such a peace that felt so right.  The mom in Arizona had another family on back up in case we didn't pull through. 

Next, since I was fasting I just decided to finish it out. We usually fast  for 24 hours.  Steve and I talked about how it would not be a crazy idea to fast for Brent and Colin to come back if it was the Lord's will.  Although we had fasted for that before since I was fasting...why not. 

I ended my fast on a date with Steve that night and we talked about them and decided until we feel like we felt with them....like we feel with our own children we would just wait about adoption.  We really felt like they were just as much our children as our biological kids.

Thirty minutes after our date the phone rang...it was Amanda. She said that they had gotten a call from Stephanie(their mom) that day and she really wanted her boys to be with us.  I instantly started crying and the kids started praying.  I felt sure this was it.  The agency gave her the weekend to think about it and for everyone to get their thoughts together.   Wow!! what a story this would be if they returned. 

BUT-they didn't!  She really does feel like they need to be with us but she doesn't really have the energy or fight in her to do what it takes to get them to us.  She has a LOT in her life and although she may feel like they need to be with us she has many steps to go through to get them with us.   We still have hope and we feel ok to pray about it if it's the Father's will but we are not dwelling on it!

I am not sure why but since this I have had such a peaceful feeling.  I am sure the Lord is aware of us and our feelings.  We are not sure which way we will go or if we just take a break or what we will do I guess just wait for a little while to decide.    We will probably renew our home study next year some time and decide what to do.  I have had other thoughts but I'm waiting for the rest of the family to come up with those thoughts on their own!