I really didn't want to blog after this past week, or write or think about the way I feel, but decided if I don't start today I may never start back. I love our family blog and that we print it for our family history. So although I don't want to think about it now I know later I'll be glad I did.
I never imagined I would be writing this post. I never imagined the surgery wouldn't work. I just knew we needed a heart and that he wouldn't survive without one. I never thought that his body was too weak or it just wouldn't work when he got a heart. Even in the end I kept thinking NO he's a fighter, look how much he's fought. I sat in shock as the doctors explained to us that it wouldn't work. That he couldn't fight any more. I have been through at least a million different emotions in the past week and I can't imagine how many more are too come.
For starters-shock-when they called us to that awful quiet room.
next-anger-I could've kicked every single plant in that hospital over.
next-sad
next-sad
next-gratitude that he was so planned and didn't leave us with too many decisions
next-sad
then-anger again
then-lonely
next-thankfulness again for the gospel
then sad
it goes on and on. Today I am paranoid beyond control. I am so afraid something terrible will happen to steve or mom or my kids or Adrian's family or steve's family. Pretty much I guess I could be classified as crazy!
We had a beautiful funeral-there are no words that can say how it felt that night.
I feel blessed so many have helped us thru this and brought food, and prayed and more. I literally feel showered with prayers, love and affection and food! It has been nice to not worry about how to feed my family or trying to cook for them. I know now why people send flowers and plants. Mom's, Adrian's and my house smells so good with fresh flowers and the green plants are so pretty in the sun room. It actually does bring cheer. I know the next few weeks will suck. We just have to get through them. It is hard to get from racing to the hospital to see him and feed him his favorite lemon yogurt to now missing him and his funny things he says-wishing I could have another 30 minutes more. I just never imagined this was the plan. I never imagined that this would feel like shattered glass inside my body. I thought if we got the chance for a heart he'd be healing and coming home in a few weeks. We heard so many successful stories. I just never imagined this.
I know we will heal. I understand we will be together again but today it just sucks! I was told this past week that this is the time we really put our faith to test. It's true how many times this week I've just wished to be able to see where he was-to feel how he feels-and as we know faith is the belief of things we know are real without seeing them. I know he is watching over us still, and not wanting us to worry about him. It is truly a test of faith though.
My plan is to return to school tomorrow and be with mom on the weekend. One day at a time, isn't that how it goes!
14 comments:
Oh Gretchen, I am crying for you right now. I know how close you are to your parents like I am ....Please know I am lifting you and your family up in prayers...I am here if you ever need to talk. I love you and know how strong you are. Please tell your mom I am thinking and praying for her. I hope your kiddos are okay. This is so hard on everyone but at least we have our faith.
Love ya girl,
Sandy
I will tell you what someone told me when my stepdad died - at least now you know your Guardian Angels name. That soothed me so much and I think of it often,I hope it helps you. I want you to call me when you have time this week, we need to hang a bit. Love you, girl.
This had me in tears.
After reading this post, I saw this on your blog: "The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." Thank goodness for comfort of the Holy Ghost. Thank goodness for eternal perspective, temple ordinances and faith to carry us through during difficult times. Your dad can now help his grandkids when they serve their missions... what a blessing and comfort that will be! You are loved by many. You have served so many people in different ways... let us know how we can serve you during this time.
Gretchen, I am so sorry. While I have not lost a parent, I can understand those feelings of anger and shock and grief and I am amazed that a person can feel them all at once. Since I found out that my little one no longer had a heartbeat several weeks ago, it has been quite a roller coaster. It is going to be a long time before I am able to stop thinking things like, "I would be fifteen weeks today." But I can tell you that as the weeks pass the pain seems to get easier to bear. I know that the Lord is watching over you and your family right now, though at times it will feel like you are alone. We have a lot of love and respect for you guys, please give everyone a hug for us.
Great Words! I'm so glad you are writing and expressing again! I never imagined either. I just always believed that the outcome would be different. I didn't entertain the thought. I was shocked and then angry too. why did they wait so long to put him on the list? You know. I can't imagine how you feel. Just know that I care. I was worried about sending flowers or plants mainly because I don't have a green thumb and didn't want want you to see things wither.
Your parents know sooo many people, they have been teachers forever, active in church and I can't believe how many people your dad has brought the gospel to by just going to McDonald's crazy huh?
I raise my glass of OJ to him! (I hope that made you smile) Continued prayers for you and your family and for your mom and A's family, too.
all i can think about is your wish once for service or something like that and i'm consumed with wanting to detail your sweet minivan! :) i will do it one of these days and you will be able to smile in that moment and then the next when someone brings you a meal and the next when someone takes your kids out to play with their kids so you can just think and listen, etc. ... we are supposed to always press forward. you were right to have positivity and faith that all would work out for your dads transplant to work. it's ok to feel angry and sad. we all know you gretchen with your optimism and joy that you exude, it's still in there, will always be. it's ok to let others show you there's till you need to give it back to us. :) take your time. remember everything, document it all, appreciate every moment and every family member and great friend. we all love you so much. anyone who's met you can't help themselves. we'll all find a way to serve you right now and it's nice of you to let us. I'm here for you spiritually and physically when you need me. how about a free hair do on me!? you can hold evan while i do your hair. getting your hair did, ALWAYS makes you feel good. ;) let me know. xoxoxo
So so sorry, Gretchen.
I love you.
Christianne
I'm so sorry. Your dad was and is a great man. We love you guys and miss your family tremendously.
Jeremy
Love you, Gretchen. You have been in my thoughts and prayers this week and last....You are so wise to write even when you don't feel like it. You will treasure these thoughts and feelings for years to come.
ps-I saw your boys in person this weekend for the first time in a long time....holy cow, they are so huge!
No special words to write ... I know what it's like to miss your dad ... I only miss mine now when I want to talk politics ;-) (yeah, I miss him a lot) ... know that you and your whole family are still in our prayers.
We love you Gretchen. We are praying for you and your family every day.
I love you! We are all praying for you and your family...
You are all in our thoughts and prayers. I know exactly what you are saying, and we just have to trust and "sit still". I will if you will! Love you girl!
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